Fatherhood isn’t for everyone, but for a guy who comes from a big family, it almost came natural. This is not to say that it was easy. Believe me when I say that you will be tested day in and day out. There is truly nothing in this world that will test your patience, love, and understanding more than your child. Sorry ladies. You don’t even come close. Now I don’t mean that in a sense that you guys aren’t complicated or difficult. I meant that the stress levels that most men receive from their women are so far out of this world, that nothing could even come near or equal what you give us. My kids make me pull my hair out and raise my blood pressure. Women on the other hand make men go dark. I’ve heard anything from wanting to stab their own ear canals so that the penetration of their girls voice would no longer haunt their thoughts to I’d really like to end my life. Congratulations to the female race. Your thought process alone is enough to make any man pull the trigger on themselves.
The happiness that your first born is something so surreal. The joy that i felt is truly something that only your heart can comprehend. She was so beautiful. I fell in love with my little princess the second I laid eyes on her. I held her every second I could and this might sound strange, but i smelled her every chance I got. All you Mom and Dads know what I’m talking about. There’s nothing like the smell of a new born, especially after you put Johnson’s baby cologne.
The day we took her home, was a very exciting one for us. There’s only so much Hospital food and beddings one person can take. Everything was set up. From the crib to her clothes, we were set. The next few sentences will definitely have all the Moms and Dads going “Oh man do I remember those days.” So! We all fell asleep fairly early that evening. It was about 3 days since Mom and Dad have had any rest, so this was going to be our “victory slumber.” HA! Tell me you didn’t just say “YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!!!” If you did, then please award your self a hefty pat on the back and a “good game” from yours truly.
Just when I was balls deep (yes i said balls deep) in my sleep, it happens. “WAAAHHHHHHH!!!” She starts crying. Now, nobody likes to hear anyone cry, let alone a baby. So we jump out of bed and see what’s the matter. We pick her up and rock her a little. No dice. So I grab her bottle. Like a champ, she downs that thing and was back asleep in no time. Gently, we put her down and we went back to sleep. I’m not even really sure how long it was, but “WAAAHHHHHHH!!!” There she goes again. So we both jump out of bed and see what’s wrong. Upon our arrival to her aid, we both looked at each other with a look. Now this look isn’t something that only parents are familiar with.
Have you ever been walking through the park in a nice spring afternoon? There’s a slight breeze and it’s a lovely 70 degrees without a cloud in sight. Sounds amazing right? Okay. As your walk continues you find yourself sniffing and looking around. This foul odor has somehow found its way up your nostrils, down your throat, and into your lungs. You’re looking around and seem to have found nothing. Then you lift your shoes. To your surprise, there is a smeared glob of warm and freshly squeezed K9 fecal matter (please open another tab and use your google machine to search for the definition of fecal matter if you haven’t done so already) generously caked on the bottom of your shoes. AWESOME!!!
Baby poop can cause a grown man to gag and become watery eyed. Until next time my friends.
Now that show and tell is over, let’s continue. Weeks went by and it looked like we would be okay. It was also near Valentines Day, so I wanted to do something special for her. Nothing too crazy, but special nonetheless. I got her a few things that I thought she might enjoy. “Ding Dong!” She opened the door and it was a definitely a different feeling in the air. I walk in and her sister was sitting on the couch with a very pleased look on her face. So here I’am thinking that she’s probably glad to see us okay again. WRONG!!! She was waiting. I had no idea what it was for, but worry not, I was in for a big surprise.
She asks me to go first. I hand her three boxes. She ripped through each one and the reactions were one and the same. “Aww. Thanks Hun.” Next. “Aww. Thanks Hun.” Last one. “Aww. Thanks Hun.” I must admit, I was a little disappointed. Here I’am thinking that my presents were going to blow here away. BZZZZZZ!!! Sorry Sir. Better luck next year. WOMP! WOMP! WOOOOOMP! So obviously it’s her turn. Her smile was definitely alarming. It was a good alarming, but suspicious.
Not in a million years would any man expect this. There was nothing in this world that could prepare any man for what was going to happen. She sits me down. Then she moved the table. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. This was either every mans dream about to come true or we’re about to have a wrestling match. Care to take a wild guess what happens next? Sorry Pervs! It was not the dream. I know. I know. Siiiigh. LOL! With her sister sitting next me with this wild cheesy smile, I couldn’t help it, but ask. “What is going on? You two are really scaring me right now.” Frightened was the last thing I was, but the suspense was killing me. She knelt down and uttered the most wonderful words any person in love could hear. “Will you marry me?”
This sweet, loving, beautiful woman just proposed to me. Please ask me what i did next! Someone please ask! No takers? I cried like a little girl and said “YES!!!!” I was so happy and needless to say, so was she. This whole time her sister never said a word because she’s the absolute worst at secrets and surprises. She hugged us so tight and then in the most loving way possible she says “you better take care of her, or I’ll kill you.” Now those aren’t usually the choice words you hear after something so amazing just happened, but I guess that was her way to accept what happened and express her happiness. It was cute…. in a scary and emotionally concerning kind of way.
It was a dream come true. There was no way to express my joy. I guess if you’ve ever seen a unicorn fly over a rainbow while landing in a pot of gold guarded by a ginger leprechaun waiting to give you treasures beyond your wildest dream then yeah. Then you might actually know.
The preparation for the arrival of your fist born is truly something to behold. Of course, that’s if you were still in love with the one you’re about to have a child with. In my case, it was. The financial aspect of expecting, is probably the scariest part of it. Will you have enough to buy everything? You never really worry about how you’ll be as a parent because you know in your heart that you’ll do everything to be a great one. All the ideas of how you’d be a great dad and picnics and lovely days were all that flowed through you. I remember it like it just happened. Late night conversations with my daughter was definitely my favorite evening activity. While her mom would sleep, I would talk to her every night. Literally! I wanted her to know her daddy before she was born. It still brings a smile to my face just thinking about this. I was so excited. I was going to be a Daddy.
Im going to enjoy the rest of the evening with my kiddos. We’ll talk again soon.
Have you ever farted in an elevator when you’re by yourself and all of a sudden… BING! The door opens and there’s a crowd of people barging in. They all have this look on their faces. You know that look. The “Gaddam dawg! What the fuck did you eat son? That smells like straight shit!” Oh you haven’t. Well me neither. I was just explaining on what my thought process would be if such an occasion were to arise. Riiiiiiight…
An outsiders perspective is never what you think it’s going to be. If you were to take a step back and look at a situation you might be in or were once in, even you would say something different other than what is really happening. You could be having a quiet conversation sitting on a bench. A couple could walk by and say “look at them. they’re so cute. they look like they’re having a really intimate conversation.” That might not be the case, but I’m just saying they could. What was probably really being said was “don’t look, but that couple that’s staring at us… is the ugliest couple I’ve ever seen.” Now I’m not saying that people are that mean, but let’s face it, I’m sure we’ve all done that on numerous occasions.
At times, my world seems like it’s in trouble. My demeanor is usually one very similar to seeing a big dog with no leash. It can be a little concerning and for the most part it’s very noticeable. My friends will either address it to show genuine concern or they’ll ignore it and just continue with the pleasantries. Now most shows of concern will end up in deep conversation. Often, pleasantries will be taken as a sign of you not caring or as a sign of fear. One friend in specific made his own path. This guy chose the Forrest Gump path. If you’re not familiar with path, please let me explain. He sat there and played stupid.
All this time that these awkward, strange, and off-putting situations were happening, he sat back and enjoyed the ride. For the most part, he just kind of sat there and watched me. Correction! This asshole laughed the entire time. He wasn’t sure whether to bring anything up, so he just waited for me to say something. So wait he did. Now remember, at this point I don’t think anyone understood what i was going through so you can imagine my frustration. I was a friend in need and I served as true to life reality TV show for this fuck! Laugh it up asshole! LOL! Well the time finally came and I broke. I asked… “Jon” (that’s it… Jon) “hey have you ever been in this situation?” He replied with a “why?” So i began to break it down and in no time this dip shit bursts out with “I FUCKING KNEW IT.”
He knew exactly what I was thinking and what I was feeling. My initial reaction was a very surprised one due to his “Forrest Gump” way of approaching the situation. We laughed. We laughed for hours about the entire situation. The last person who I thought would understand me was the very one who saved me. I was pulling my hair out over this ordeal and he spoke out just in the nick of time. Two things happened during this conversation. One, I farted. Very loud might I add. Two, I have a new-found respect for my friend “Jon.” Not to say that I never respected him, but it was a very refreshing realization that my friends are simply better than yours. LOL! For all my friends that know me, I try to be the best friend I can be and sometimes even more than I know how to be. In some instances, I feel that I have better friends than I deserve. I’ve learned to take that feeling into a more constructive than depressing light. When I feel like I don’t deserve this amazing group of characters, I simply say “I hope I get the chance to make my friends feel the same.”
I don’t understand. What the in the world are peoples problems nowadays? You do something bad, you’re an idiot. You do something good, you’re an idiot. You do what they ask you to do, you’re an idiot. You don’t do what they ask you, you’re an idiot. Anybody else notice a pattern here? It’s either there’s not and I’m just an idiot, or there is and people are just unreasonable. The world shouldn’t have to stop because you can’t have your cake and eat it too. As a matter of fact, the world will NOT fucking stop whether or not that damn cake exists at all. People have to really grow the fuck up and realize these little truths. It will only help them in the long run. Don’t take my word for it. What do i know? I’m just a doctor (please feel free to insert sarcasm at any point in the last 3 sentences).
Life is not about finding someone you can control. Relationships shouldn’t be based on obedience or power of the other. Now this doesn’t just apply for romantic relationships. This is for all types of relationships whether it be personal or business. There should be a mutual respect. Find the common ground from both parties until both are satisfied and then proceed to the next step, whatever that may be. You can’t demand for one of Saturn’s rings and bludgeon them with guilt when they reply with “Okay? I’ll try. I’m not sure how, but I’ll try.”HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO THAT ANYWAY?!?!?!
Have some kind of limit with your expectations people. When they say reach for the stars, that doesn’t mean make them reach for celestial heights. They meant your ambition. Aim high. I would think that the limits of your request be at attainable levels. That’s like asking a blind man to read your lips. UHHHHH????? It’s just not happening.
Respect and understanding. Let’s make it more of a common thing rather than a seldom factor in life.
Have you ever heard of the saying “don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” If I got it wrong then I apologize, but I’m pretty sure I’m not too far off. Caught up in a love that we thought would never end, we lived life for each other and nobody else. We were inseparable. Our joys and sorrows were shared by each other. This feeling was something you couldn’t describe. Well I Couldn’t anyway. Just like a normal young couple, we wanted things to last forever. So I did what any young, spontaneous, and insane guy would do. I asked her to marry me. Please cue the church bells and release the 50 white doves. Sorry ladies. I was officially off the market. I’m not sure if I failed to mention this, but this was only after a year and some change of being together. Crazy? Some would say so. Correction! Most would say so.
There wasn’t really much you could say to change our minds. Young love is a wild love and much like a wild animal, you can try and tame it, but its only a matter of time until it tries to eat you on stage in front of thousands of people in Las Vegas during a show. Wait? Is that how it went? Moving on. It wasn’t too long after our families received news of our union, that we surprised them again with even better news. SHE’S PREGNANT!!! HOORAY!!! Imagine that. All within the same year, we were to be wed and having a child. We were so thrilled and I can only imagine our families were more frightened than thrilled, but matter it didn’t.
How were we not terrified? It’s pretty simple really. My daughter was a gift from above. Not in the literal sense that a stork flew down with a bundle of joy inside a white sheet, but more as a blessing. My fiance (at the time) was a woman who wasn’t supposed to be able to have kids. During her childhood, she had complications that almost turned fatal for her. It left her with nothing more than reproductive organs that don’t reproduce. She was enlightened of this fact at a young age. I can only imagine how devastated she was when this news was delivered. Growing up, she was always under the impression that children were not in her future. She was always saddened by this, but let’s face facts, she wasn’t in a hurry to start a family either.
The first time I asked her to marry me was disastrous. I mean a freight train out of control, barreling towards a bus full of women, children, and nuns and there wasn’t a single thing you could do to stop it. Okay. There might have been a slight exaggeration on the disaster factor, but needles to say it didn’t go well. She said no!!! “What do you mean she said no?” Well it’s pretty simple really, she just said no. Without further ado, I would like to introduce the man who just had his heart thrown into a blender along with rocks, broken glass, and other various sharp objects that would ensure that this mans heart would be pulverized. TADA!!! I was crushed. Put yourself in my shoes for just a moment…. yeah. Pardon my French, but that shit was fucked up!!! I walked away with numbing feeling over my buddy and with a light of hope that she might change her mind, I asked her “why?” In tears, she explained her condition. She said no because she wasn’t able to provide me with what I wanted in the long run. A family. This woman was so hurt to tell me that. There was no need for any words after that. We just sat there and cried.
It took some time for us to be able to talk or see each other, but we stayed in contact nonetheless. I didn’t want to continue without her. I didn’t want anyone else. I just wanted her. Imagine that. The resilience of a young mans heart even in the face of certain doom. There’s a little something I may have missed about myself. I’m different. I mean this in every sense of the word different. I was always raised under the rules of the gentleman. That was always my edge against other guys. Let’s face it. I’m no Brad Pitt. I’m not even Brad Pitt’s kinda cute cousin that resembles him so I’m still going to date him anyway. I’m a 6.5 – 7 out of 10 at best (please feel free to disagree or mock me, but only in your thoughts as to not be rude. thanks). I used my chivalrous ways to pursue my lady of interest. As I mentioned in my previous posts, I’m very easy to talk to. My character is full of humor, or I’d like to think so anyway. I’m a true to life hopeless romantic. I truly enjoy the look and feeling my woman of choice receives when I do special little things for her. I love truly, deeply, and endlessly. There are no walls to climb. If I’m in love, then that’s all there is to it. Now that I think of it, that last section sure sounds like a dating service introduction. “Hi I’m Norm. I enjoy long walks on short beaches. I enjoy the occasional foot massage and a romantic reach around every now and again. Let’s go on a date.”
Let’s pick this back up manana!
There were many battles fought throughout the course of our history. All were fought for reasons that served that person or country best. Now as epic as these battles were, there are none greater than the ones we wage with in ourselves. The tug of war and the push and pull that we fight emotionally, mentally, and physically. This is how we differentiate between the rights and wrong in our lives. Now how great these internal wars are all based on very simple things. Our emotions. Our needs and wants. Let’s face facts. If we were to simply stick to the bare necessities in life, there would be no battles. There would be no internal conflict, but God so blessed us with the ever so wonderful gift of free will. Note! Some may consider this as a curse (please consult within yourself as to not bother anyone else with which you feel it is).
We justify our greed with silly notions of what we think we need and what we actually need. Fist off, who the hell actually knows what the hell they actually need these days? In modern day society we prove to one another every single day how selfish, conniving, and awful we have become. Even in the simplest acts of kindness we often think that “karma” will greet us with good fortune. Now we might not be so forthcoming with this reality, but it’s true. We all think it and I’m just saying it. In some very rare occasions, some of us actually entertain our compassionate senses and selflessly offer our services to those in need. Bravo!
Pardon the off topic rant. Where were we? AHHH yes! Battles! I fought a tough battle today. There was definitely a valiant effort in my behalf, but alas…. I lost. There was almost no way I was gonna win. Like a prey to it’s predator, I fell. This doesn’t stop my effort to win this war. I can honestly say that I have no clue which side I’m fighting for now, but damn it I’m fighting with all i’ve got. LOL! The justifications we so eloquently concoct in our times of uncertainty. What does that mean you ask? For example. Let’s say that you shit yourself. Now, do you say “well it’s okay. I really had to go and there was no way I was gonna make it anyway” or do you say “damn it! I just shit myself. What the hell am I going to do now? I need to change.”
Unless your 5 years of age, you get up, go home, and change your damn underwear!!! There’s no good reason why I broke. Does this mean that I’m gonna sit here and watch these animals invade my land? HELL NO! Tomorrow i wake with my sidearm in hand and continue to fight this war, but this time I’m gonna have a battle plan. There’s nothing worst than a soldier who’s just shooting and killing because he has no damn clue who the hell he’s fighting for. It’s like sex without the climax, what the hell was the point?
The problem with the perfect life is that it doesn’t exist. Even though we think we have it, we’re probably not even really close. Besides, it’s in our nature to screw it up even if it’s served to us on a silver platter. It’s as consistent as gravity. In the rare occasion that we don’t, life somehow manages to throw a curveball that proves your euphoria to be otherwise. So with a loving wife, two beautiful children, and what seems to be your ideal situation, how did I manage to complicate this? Let’s take a few steps back and let me give you a deeper look.
A brief description about my personality is anything but the truth. There is no way you can easily describe me. For the majority of my life, I’ve always been the same. Now mind you, I said for the majority. Certain events in my life have transpired causing adverse reactions in my brain which in turn develop into a new vice, perspective, or change in my ways. I’m a very big people person. There really aren’t very many people I couldn’t get along with. That’s not to say that people don’t irritate me, but I’ve always been able to adapt to my surroundings. Men or women, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve always been easy to talk to and there’s never been a problem vice versa.
For most people, that quality is never a bad one. Who doesn’t want to date a person that you can confidently introduce to your family and friends and not have them say “where did you find that douche bag?” Now pair that person up with someone who is scarred for life and has insecurity issues that would make you average self-induced vomiting, 98 lb. runway model look as confident as Ron Jeremy in a “who’s got junk like a tree trunk” contest. If you don’t know who Ron Jeremy is, please take this time to open another tab and use your google machine and look into the interweb for answers.
My….. whatever she is right now, and I have been together for almost 9 years. We started dating at a young age. She was 18 and I was 20. During these stages in most young adults lives, they are raging with hormones. Guys are trying to sleep with anything and everything. Literally. Girls are all for the attention thrown in their direction, whether good or bad. They’ll take it and smile. While the rest of our peers are trying to hump each other until the cows come home, we decided to fall in love. AWWW! That’s so cute. Everything seemed so right. We were knee-deep into one another that nothing else seemed to matter. It was a true “love at first sight” beginning to our journey. Now the problem with love at first sight is that you’ve only looked once. What happens when things go wrong and you have to take a step back and take another look? What will you find then? Even worst, what happens when you’re too emotionally invested at this point? Well let me tell you…. tomorrow that is.
daddyfortwo 